Stop Watching "The News"

Concision significantly hinders the entrance of new ideas into mainstream society.


For a more comprehensive, less concise exploration of this idea please see:

Stop Sucking at Chugging Beer

How to Chug Beer
 So, you want to chug a beer fast?  Watch all these videos:

1. How to Chug a Beer (part 1)
2. How to Chug a Beer (part 2)
3. How to Chug a Beer (part 3)

I know it's not as easy as this guy makes it look.  To get the beer to flow down like a river, you might want to think about how it feels to throw up or to burp.  Use this feeling and practice a lot.  It feels weird, but practice makes perfect.

Stop Sucking at Drinking Beer - 2010 Beer Olympics

2010 Beerlympic Games - Official Rules

TEAMS

Teams will consist of four (4) members, of which at least one (1) must be female and at least one (1) must be male. Of this group one (1) must be designated captain. Each team member must participate in exactly five (5) events - that is, ALL team events and ONE (1) of the other events.

EVENT DATE AND LOCATION DETAILS

The 2010 Beerlympic Games shall be held at the Sweet house on Friday, February 26th. Opening Ceremonies will begin promptly at 7pm, competition will start around 8pm.  Additional events/games will occur after the final awards ceremony.

IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT...

Bring a couple bucks to help defray beer costs.

SCORING

Each event will be competed in the sequence shown below, and teams will be awarded the following points except for the Beer Obstacle Course:

1st place: 10 points
2nd place: 7 points
3rd place: 5 points
4th place: 3 points
5th place: 1 point

Beer Obstacle Course, as the final, most demanding event, will award double points.  Note: events will be recorded on video to settle any disputes.  Any arguments (such as order of competition, rules interpretations that the officials cannot decide on, etc.) will be handled by the captains in a paper-rock-scissors competition.

EVENTS

Mixed Pairs Figure Chugging

• Participants: Two (2) athletes from each team, of which at least one (1) must be female. 
  
• Each athlete will have one (1) full beer (16 oz) placed before them.  On go, one athlete will begin pouring beer into his/her mouth.  Once that beer is complete and the beer cup has touched the table, the other athlete on the team will begin pouring beer into his/her mouth. 
  
• Points awarded based on order of finish. Athletes are not allowed to puke within 30 minutes of competing.
• Spilling DQ: Disqualification from this event will occur if excessive spilling occurs. Excessive spilling is defined as an area that cannot entirely be covered by a CD.

Cross Country Beerlay (Flip Cup)

• Participants: Entire team
• Seeds will be determined by a paper-rock-scissors competition between team captains. Teams will then play a double-elimination tournament.
• Beer levels will be filled to a mutually agreed upon level. If one cannot be reached the standard fill will be eight (8) ounces of beer.  Each athlete must have 2 cups, for the down and back portions of this event.
• In the event there is a tie and a winner cannot be determined, they must compete again immediately until a winner is determined.

Beer Curling

• Participants: Entire team.
• Seeds will be determined by a paper-rock-scissors competition between team captains. Teams will then compete in a single-elimination tournament.
• Teams will alternately deliver stones down a beer curling board until each athlete has delivered two (2) stones.  This marks one (1) "END."  A game will be played to four (4) ends.  Scoring will be using standard curling rules.
• After each end, the non-scoring team will be assigned the number of shots of beer they lost the end by.  Any athlete(s) on the team can take this penalty, which must be completed within one (1) minute of being assigned.  Failure to complete the penalty within this time limit results in immediate forfeit.

Beerathlon

• Participants: Best marksman chugger (one (1) athlete from each team)
• The athlete will chug one (1) beer (16 oz), then throw a series of five (5) darts at a target.  For each miss, the athlete must drink one (1) penalty shot of beer.  The athlete will then move to a further spot, chug another (16 oz) beer, and throw another series of five (5) darts at the target.  Again, the athlete must drink one (1) penalty shot of beer for each miss. 
• The fifth (5th) penalty shot in each round will be hard alcohol to discourage wild throws.
  
• Athletes will be timed, the fastest time will determine the ranking.

Chug one beer through a straw

• Participants: Suckiest Athlete (one (1) athlete from each team)
• Standard straws will be provided for use. No hands are allowed.
• Points awarded based on order of finish.

Beersled Racing

• Participants: Entire team
• Each athlete will drink four (4) ounces of beer, then navigate a beersled (mini-scooter) around the course.  Their ass must be in contact with the beersled through the entire course.  Once they pass the finish line, the next athlete will drink then navigate the course.  This continues until the entire team has completed the course. 
  
• Teams will be timed, the fastest time will determine ranking.

Beer Obstacle Course

• Participants: Entire Team
• The course will be as follows:

1. Marshmallow Catch - Athlete 1 will throw 5 big marshmallows for Athlete 2 to catch in a container on his/her head.  Athlete 2 may not move from their "box" and both of their hands must be in contact with their container at all times.  If a marshmallow misses, athlete 1 must run to pick it up, return to their original position, and drink a shot of beer before continuing (up to five (5) shots).
2. Dollar a Shot - Athlete 2 will move to the quarters table, and drink eight (8) ounces of beer.  Then he/she will bounce 4 quarters into a shot glass.  Once complete, they will run back to start and tag athlete 3.
3. Carry Me Home - Athletes 3 will first drink eight (8) ounces of beer, then carry Athlete 4 from start line around house back to start line.  Athlete 4 then heads to the Simple Math event.  In the event of a drop, the athlete must pick their partner back up and continue from the spot of the drop.  
4. Simple Math - Athlete 4 tries to answer five (5) simple math questions in a row.  Before each question can be answered a shot of beer must be taken.  Once complete, athlete 4 runs and tags the wheelbarrow team.
5. Wheelbarrow - Any two (2) athletes do two (2) wheelbarrow style laps around the house, alternating who is down after one (1) lap.
6. Final Flip - Upon the wheelbarrow crossing the line, all team members will race back to the table to compete in a final flip cup event. No athlete may begin drinking until all members of the team are at the table.  The beer levels will be in ascending order: four (4), eight (8), twelve (12) and sixteen (16). The last cup being successfully flipped marks the finish line.
   

EVENT OF TIE

In the event that all events have been completed and there remains a tie for any place, a showdown will occur.

Tied team athletes will do a head-to-head chugging line to determine the winner.  Each athlete will chug in a sequence; first team finished wins.  The beer levels will be in ascending order: four (4), eight (8), twelve (12) and sixteen (16) ounces.

Are YOU "That Guy?"

Have you ever known "that guy" -- someone whom you (and everyone you know) find completely intolerable?  I mean, a human being so terrible that it's almost a crime to class them as a "human being?"  "That guy" that lacks any basic human decency, has an amazingly inflated ego, and somehow survives without any social skills... AT ALL.  They are basically the opposite of someone you might admire.

If you've never known "that guy," you might be him yourself.  Use the following simple flowchart to determine if you are ACTUALLY "that guy."  Don't effing lie, either.

Are you that guy?  If so, you'd better change before you end up alone and friendless, crying out long-winded (terribly boring) stories to any telemarketer that calls you, yet retaining enough hatred for humanity that you refuse to fall on your love-knife and put you out of our misery.  Check back next week for more sage wisdom from "Stop Sucking at Everything."  We might even throw in some advice on how to stop being "that guy."